Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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Cndnsd Mlk
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.