Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
What is going on? 😅
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work