Seems kinda suspicious
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I have a new favorite meme page
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!