Seems kinda suspicious
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I want to meet the individual who made this
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.