INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.