Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Google Pay be like:
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad