Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt