You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Don’t tell me what to do
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory