I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Don’t touch that.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.