Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
This forever.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
brian had himself a morning…
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*