Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
man i love columbo
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.