My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!