Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
#TopTip
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.