Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy