Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Breaking news:
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut