Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
What personal space?
My dog
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Everyone’s family
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.