Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
You Might Also Like
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
BRAKING NEWS!!
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.