“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.