*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
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i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers