*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
choose your fighter
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.