*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop