[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”