Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.