*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree