*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫