*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.