BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
You Might Also Like
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
don’t we all
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man