[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Thursday
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.