[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”