*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.