*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
mom gave me mine for free
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.