*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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Called it
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.