Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES