[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.