*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.