I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
That’s not how days work.