I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You Might Also Like
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Feel. He’s so soft.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
#math
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.