Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Merica.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.