[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*