[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?