*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info