*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
#Caturday
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Still my favourite meme.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.