and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need