[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
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Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Real House Wines.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap