*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Me too
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.