*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Oh yeah that’s it
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I’m Sold!