*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.