[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
You Might Also Like
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp