[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP