*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
this is me
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.