[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
This is my emotional support knife.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”